I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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