Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
