Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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