I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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