I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
