so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
did i just pee glitter
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
