You're my little dorito
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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