Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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