I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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