sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
