Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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