Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
