Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
