After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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