The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
