shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
