afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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