My liver just broke up with me...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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