I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
dude. I can hear the air.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
