We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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