i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
