wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
