I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize