You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
