i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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