My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
