If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
