Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
