glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
