no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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