that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
