She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
