currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
