You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
