it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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