discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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