broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
