The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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