If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think I am morally bankrupt
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
