Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
