Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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