This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
