My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
