Only a mothe r could love this liver
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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