I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
