Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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