oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
