I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
