Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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