I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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